Being in the NICU with one of my babies was one of the hardest experiences I’ve had to experience emotionally. My experience was wrapped up in other factors such as lack of social supports, an older sibling to care, and healing from a surgical birth. Being sent home with one baby in my arms, while another was in hospital, was devastating and complicated my healing progress and care for all my children. I was overwhelmed.
Even though deep down I knew she was going to be fine after that first bleary night,…being away from her was heart wrenching, awful, difficult, wrong…there is not one word that completely defines this kind of separation grief.
Although during pregnancy I knew that one or both of my twins would most likely need some NICU support, nothing fully prepared me for what the experience would actually be like.
I had done some preparation by researching and contacting some postpartum support, asking friends to help out with my older child. My parents came in for the birth to care for my eldest. I spoke with the doctors, and visited the NICU to see how care would be managed. I was prepared for the possibility that one baby may need to be transported to another hospital that would have specialized equipment. I had spoken to other families who had had this experience. I felt I had ticked off all the boxes.
Being in the NICU for the first time was an other-worldy experience. I had just finished collecting the colostrum for my baby in the syringes the nurses gave me, and needed to drop that to her. I scooched off the bed unceremoniously and covered myself the best I could. I was carrying my other twin in one arm and holding my IV stand in the other. The drugs hadn’t quite worn off yet from the surgery, so I hobbled forward in recognition of the wound in my belly but I had yet to feel it’s full effect. I was still dressed in a stained gowned and I’m pretty sure my ass was hanging out but I was on a mission, a mama mission. I needed to hold my baby. I felt too, that her twin needed her. I passed by the nurses station and there was no one available to take me. My partner was at home with my eldest. It was just me, my one twin and my IV stand. And so there I stood in the doorway of the NICU.
It was quiet, eerily so, minus all the bells, alarms, and pump sounds. The air was thick with hospital clean, the nurses wheezed by me like I was a ghost, barely acknowledging my presence and the room was dark…a giant clinical womb. I waited for someone to tell me what to do, when I noticed the fridge that had all the milk in it. Drop off milk here, said a sign. As I opened the door to drop it off, I was met with a very terse nurse (who eventually became my and my daughter’s best friend), who said, “You’re not allowed in there”. I looked at the sign, reread it in case in my haze I was imagining it, and said, “I’m dropping off milk for my daughter”. “Well, you have to ask!” Fighting back tears, and another feeling that I later identified as rage, I said in my best don’t fuck with me voice tempered with a bit of sweetness (if that’s possible), “Where can I drop off the milk for my daughter?” All the while I was thinking, how do I get through this giant bureaucratic wall, and oh shit, this is a really bad start for my little.
Eventually another nurse recognized my general state of post surgery, postpartum disarray and intervened. I was saved momentarily, but I had still many lessens to learn to navigate this place. Things like: advocating for my baby, finding out when the doctors did their rounds, what all the machines were for and what all the alarms meant, where the towels and blankets were etc., knowing when to listen to your intuition and the Doctor’s advice.
Luckily her stay was not long and once she regulated her breathing those first few days, all she really needed to do was gain weight. Even though we had a rough start, my experience ended up being a positive one.
Not everyone’s experience will have been or will be like mine in the beginning, nor will it all be positive either. In the spirit of sharing some of what I did learn on this journey her are some tips.
Some tips for navigating the NICU:
Meet Your Medical Team
-introduce yourself to everyone in contact with your baby. Let them know who you are. There will be a cycle of nurses and even paediatricians. If you are interested in breastfeeding ask to see the Lactation Consultant. Get use to repeating yourself and your concerns. Don’t assume they will have the same treatment recommendation as the previous doctors, nor philosophy. Do your research and get ready to advocate. Find out when the Doctors do their rounds and plan to be there for those meetings, so you can ask questions and be a part of the decision making around your baby’s care.
Get ready to be in the Hospital
-If your baby is able to have care from you, then the nurses and the doctors will encourage it. You will be changing diapers, doing the feeds even if not breastfeeding or doing combination feeding. Your baby KNOWS YOUR VOICE…talk to your baby. They love it and thrive off of it. It comforts and consoles them. There will be a lot of noises and alarms, lines and cords, that may leave you feeling anxious. Ask questions, you will be guided by the nurses. Hold your baby, touch your baby. You are exactly what your baby needs.
Meet other families
-There is nothing more encouraging and comforting than knowing someone who really understands what you are experiencing. My partner and I met another couple in the NICU and we were able to share with them as they were able to share with us, this roller coaster of an experience. They are forever etched in my mind.
Self Care
-Remember that you are healing too. There will be good days and absolute crap ones. The movement forward for your little one is often two steps forward one step back. This takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. Eat nourishing meals, and get some sleep whenever and wherever you can. Find out if you can stay in hospital with your baby or if there is a place close by. Find out about hospital pump rentals and monthly parking.
Get Help
-recruit family and friends to help with food preparation, sibling care, laundry, house cleaning and for an ear to listen. If your social supports are limited, consider hiring a postpartum doula to help, or hiring a cleaning or laundry service while your little one(s) are in the NICU. Be specific in what you need help with.